Funny jokes in english

If you like stories that are simple but also clever, then this is the book you are looking for. The plot is about two boys, George and Harold, who like to draw comics and are famous pranksters in their school.

One day their principal catches them setting up a series of stunts and threatens them. For a while he makes them do his chores, but soon the boys find a way out. They hypnotize their principal and make him into a superhero they drew—Captain Underpants




A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language



A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” 
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” 
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” 
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!” 



A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? 
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter. 
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father. 
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.

Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?” 
Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? 




A: Why are you crying? 
B: The elephant is dead. 
A: Was he your pet? 
B: No, but I’m the one who must dig his grave




PUPIL: “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”
TEACHER:” Of course not.”
PUPIL: “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”



Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?



The real estate agent says, “I have a good, cheap apartment for you.” 
The man replys, “By the week or by the month?”
The agent answers, “By the garbage dump..




Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can’t buy more?



Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,”oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.” Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!” 




Said to a railroad engineer:
What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?




There is a California dude going through a desert. He’s wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He’s having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: “Hey dudes how far is the sea?” They look at each other and say: “Two thousand miles!” And he says: “Wow what a cool beach!!!”



Spell SPOT three times.” 
“S P O T , S P O T , S P O T” 
“What do you do when you come to a green light?” 
(answer is invariably-) “Stop!” 
“What, at a GREEN light?” 




Knock, knock. 
Who’s there? 
Banana who? 
Knock, knock. 
Who’s there? 
Banana who? 
Knock, knock. 
Who’s there? 
Banana who? 
Knock, knock. 
Who’s there? 
Orange who? 
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?




A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”






Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?”
The other one says “No, It doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!”
Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)



Once Preeto Caught By Police. Police Questioning With Her: How Did You Kill 32 People On Road With Your Car? Preeto: “Look Sir, I Was Driving My




Wife: “I Wish, I Was A Newspaper, So I Would Be In Your Hands All-Day” Husband: “I Too Wish, That You Were A Newspapers, So I Could Have A New One




Law Of Mechanical Repair After Your Hands Become Coated With Grease, Your Nose Will Begin To Itch. Law Of The Workshop Any Tool, When Dropped


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