Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam?
Father: You were absent on the day of the exam?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
A family of three tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.
Inheriting a fortune
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Let’s not talk about that at the table
A son and a father were eating at the table.
The son asked, “Dad, is it good to eat flies?”
Dad said, “Son, let’s not talk about that at the table.”
Later…Dad asked, what was it you wanted to say?”
“Oh, nothing! There
wasa fly in your
soup, but it’s gone!”
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
Talking on the Phone
Raj had been talking on the phone for about half an hour before he hung up. His father said, “Wow! That was short. You usually talk for an hour. What happened?”
Raj replied, “It was a wrong number.”
What my mother taught me!
My mother taught me LOGIC:
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My mother taught me MEDICINE:
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD:
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My mother taught me ESP:
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE:
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My mother taught me HUMOR:
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT MARRIAGE:
“How do you think you got here?”
My mother taught me about GENETICS:
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE:
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.””
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
“You are going to get it when we get home.”
And my all time favorite thing, JUSTICE:
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..
then you’ll see what it’s like.”
I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”